all of the above

there’s that feeling of inadequacy again. i hate it. it’s like blackhole. and it’s sucking all my energy. all emotions, movements, thoughts. and the most terrible part is, i’m not panicking anymore; i’m letting it happen. that is how low this goes.

before i came to write, i was checking my midterm papers. fucking hell, am i ever getting better scores? how am i staring at failure in the face again while dangling off a high cliff this early? and then i just felt useless again. for nearly an hour, i laid in my bed beside my sad sad exam papers; heard only the fan beside me, felt only my heartbeat. 

am i deteriorating? they’re exams, i’m supposed to get them, like i’ve always had before. why am i not performing well?   

is there anything else that i can do that would make me feel adequate again? how do i fix me?

i talk big on how a person is not commensurate of the grades he makes but when it just slaps you dry and fiery red, that sometimes low scores just feel like you’re not good enough, my words just vanish and my thoughts just erode; it’s like an entire universe of principles collapsed because the arrow found its way to the achilles. it just hurts so bad, that nothing better can be done at this moment but just lie here and count heartbeats. at least by doing that, you can still rashly conclude you have a purpose, even if right now, your scores are not contributing to building it. 

for now, take me, blackhole. i hope i wake up in another world and come back to this one recharged and more determined.

Heart Rate (HR): seventy-two.. seventy-three.. seventy-four…   

land ho!

thursday.

the storm is almost over, gents. we only have one more exam to worry about and we’re off to maybe one and a half day of either mad drinking or mad sleeping.

as it is turning out though, i’m realizing that i might not have been that prepared for the exams as i imagined. i double checked answers that just.. weren’t. but then, who will ever be that prepared? at one point i’ve considered, “maybe i don’t test well” then i go on and rethink, “maybe i didn’t pay enough attention”.

but hellsballs, we’ve been through this. a lot. and the only reasonable, predictable and foolproof response is to move the fuck on. so adios amigos, i heard there was more rum on land.

 

p.s. wow our last exam is a piece of shit. look at all these words i’ve never heard of ever in a lecture, not once. here’s two fingers, choke on that.

  

panic attack

next week is prelims week. and tonight is the last sunday of my liiife!

i’m shitballs losing it.

 

THERE’S. SO. MUCH. STUFF. LEEEFT. TO. STUDY.

this is literally me now.

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this is that potato.

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and, well, this is just nice.

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