there’s that feeling of inadequacy again. i hate it. it’s like blackhole. and it’s sucking all my energy. all emotions, movements, thoughts. and the most terrible part is, i’m not panicking anymore; i’m letting it happen. that is how low this goes.
before i came to write, i was checking my midterm papers. fucking hell, am i ever getting better scores? how am i staring at failure in the face again while dangling off a high cliff this early? and then i just felt useless again. for nearly an hour, i laid in my bed beside my sad sad exam papers; heard only the fan beside me, felt only my heartbeat.
am i deteriorating? they’re exams, i’m supposed to get them, like i’ve always had before. why am i not performing well?
is there anything else that i can do that would make me feel adequate again? how do i fix me?
i talk big on how a person is not commensurate of the grades he makes but when it just slaps you dry and fiery red, that sometimes low scores just feel like you’re not good enough, my words just vanish and my thoughts just erode; it’s like an entire universe of principles collapsed because the arrow found its way to the achilles. it just hurts so bad, that nothing better can be done at this moment but just lie here and count heartbeats. at least by doing that, you can still rashly conclude you have a purpose, even if right now, your scores are not contributing to building it.
for now, take me, blackhole. i hope i wake up in another world and come back to this one recharged and more determined.
Heart Rate (HR): seventy-two.. seventy-three.. seventy-four…
i have the worst luck in group mates. how much responsibility do i need to learn for the odds to ever favor me slacking off a little. i wanna depend on something or someone too! i wanna delegate work, pick a deadline and be at least satisfied if not impressed once in a while. i’ve tried everything, from guilt tripping, threats, detailing everything and nagging really early; i always end up doing the bulk of the work.
i don’t understand. why wont you do the work assigned to you? are you an idiot? and don’t pull the i’m-all-cool-and-apathetic-i-don’t-do-work on me because i’m a bigger douche and i’ll take that card and shove it in your pretentious, apathetic ass, because you know, i like to do that work.
in fact,i don’t care if you are irresponsible as fuck, i just need you to deliver your message of apathy to my face; so that i don’t have to think about you and consider your ideas or the fact that maybe you have something useful to contribute. i mean, come on, i had to figure out for myself that you’re stupid?! have you never been in a group? have you never learned common courtesy ever in your life? because if you never have, oh meee, it looks dangerous for someone to dream too big as being a doctor if that’s how you act around people you’re supposed to work with.
people die because things go wrong; because people who don’t care enough are unfortunately misplaced to this profession; because people won’t pass their work on time. not because of low grades and extra semesters. sometimes the oddest man out is the only man who gives a damn.
TO ALL YOU FREE LOAFERS OUT THERE, FUCK YOU ALL. ang unreliable mo, get out of medschool, cunt.
p.s. i always get that one comment from someone random that i do oral reports well. every time. THANKS.
i did a lot of things this week. i was up all nights. and all days. i am fucking beat.
there were so many things this week that could have been done more efficiently. alas, i am surrounded by shamelessly pretentious people who are clearly just useless ones too. THIS SCHOOL IS A FUCKING JOKE. where do we go now.
please someone offer me a burger or just shoot me dead. thanks.
p.s. because i’m not crazy just yet, excuse me, i have homework to finish.
‘don’t let anyone look down on you.’ – aiso, 2014
surgery today. there were almost tears. almost.
doc started us off with a lil pep talk about being different, not in line, being x-men. and it would have been a tearjerker if all of us in that room hadn’t already accepted to ourselves that we were in fact, irregulars.
for the longest time, i dealt with my failures so poorly. i sulked and wallowed in my tears for so long and i dramatically thought i felt the world on my shoulders like cancer and HIV didn’t kill millions. i blamed everything and everyone to mask how worthless i felt. i broke down.
the truth is, it hurt.. like hell. nothing was more excruciating that learning that all your efforts and prayers, sleepless nights and words of fucking inspiration and strength altogether weren’t enough to get you through. you’ve been in school all your life and you’d think you should have already figured out how to pirouette your way all around it, but.. well, some of us just aren’t born that graceful.
well here’s another truth. the world is a giant fucked up place. wonderful and horrible things happen at the same time to both bad and good people; sometimes too fucking unreasonably even. so unless someone is able to explain to you in a foolproof algorithm the pathophysiology of failure with at least five peer-evaluated journal references no earlier than 2007, then no, you are not smaller than anyone who did something faster than you.
if someone asked why you’re still not done, tell them, ‘natapilok lang po’ (aiso, 2014). then flip them off (de los santos, 2014).
that was below the belt. you can’t say or even ‘just’ imply anything that belittles a student or an entire class, in this case, just because of flaws in schoolwork. that is just wrong and unprofessional. even as a joke, an inappropriate comment is a misjudgment of character and person. you are improper, unprofessional and this is my issue. i have a problem with that horrendous behavior and i’ve had it since i started school in this god forsaken, hostile place.
i don’t goddamn care how over the top your level of intelligence is or how unbelievably supernatural you can make your abilities look like. you are a fool for not knowing how to act with courtesy and class; fucking shame on you.
i feel strongly about this because i know for a fact and from three years of bearing many ill- natured persons from this institution that, in no way, ever, was there professional competence that matched the quality education that our thousands of pesos worth in tuition should have been receiving. today, for instance, my first period professor, skipped more than half the presentation she should have gone through and told us, “basahin niyo na lang”. holy asswipes, good thing my first grade public school teacher that never received anything from me, by the way, taught me with burning fervor, to fucking READ. that way, i can teach myself medicine and earn my own money; the money i wasted on crap education c/o my wonderful excuse of a med school. again, fucking shame on you.
p.s. no, you didn’t teach us how to make dummy tables. i was never absent and i paid enough attention. so don’t pretend to have even ‘satisfactorily’ done your job and don’t expect me to assemble a car when you never gave me so much as a tiny screw to work with.
p.p.s. and for the last time today, fucking shame on you.
the storm is almost over, gents. we only have one more exam to worry about and we’re off to maybe one and a half day of either mad drinking or mad sleeping.
as it is turning out though, i’m realizing that i might not have been that prepared for the exams as i imagined. i double checked answers that just.. weren’t. but then, who will ever be that prepared? at one point i’ve considered, “maybe i don’t test well” then i go on and rethink, “maybe i didn’t pay enough attention”.
but hellsballs, we’ve been through this. a lot. and the only reasonable, predictable and foolproof response is to move the fuck on. so adios amigos, i heard there was more rum on land.
p.s. wow our last exam is a piece of shit. look at all these words i’ve never heard of ever in a lecture, not once. here’s two fingers, choke on that.
next week is prelims week. and tonight is the last sunday of my liiife!
i’m shitballs losing it.
THERE’S. SO. MUCH. STUFF. LEEEFT. TO. STUDY.
this is literally me now.
this is that potato.
and, well, this is just nice.