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i think i hit a wall here. i’ve been tossing and turning the entire weekend and i haven’t done anything productive. what am i doing? these are supposedly the times when i’m super pumped up to study and finish a lot of reading. seriously, i want to strangle myself.

later on today, i realized what i’ve been so irritated about.

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when you’re in medschool, you sacrifice so much in the process- time, effort, happiness, more time. time that you could have spent doing the things that will make you happy now. i fear that it’s a bad thing when my heart is torn between this dream of being a doctor and this other dream of being something of a local, wandering hippie.

my mind is often distracted with the million dreams my heart has, that sadly, only my imaginary time and money can make way for. i always, always have to pull myself back to what i was reading if only to rebuild the focus that took tons and tons of music playlists to set.

on the other hand, i’m waiting for that moment when i finally get to meet people, people who need my help, patients whom i dreamt of saving, by killing myself in medschool. maybe when i get to talk to them soon, i wouldn’t need so much effort and so much time to get some focus and dedication. maybe all i would need is to look at them and look at their pain; hopefully by then, i have learned most that i needed to make them feel better.

– A

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