you are my favorite reason to lose sleep.
LATE POST: Monday
almost drooling on my desk, my eyes were about to pop out from trying to stay awake in a bernardino lecture; he’s the most booooring of all Monday classes, of all classes possibly. what a struggle. don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a very promising ob-gyn- lots of experiences and whatnot. he just wasn’t the best 3-hour Monday morning buzz.
he said this though: “medicine isn’t hard. they just scare you in medschool, that’s why your mind thinks it’s hard but really, in the clinics, it’s not so bad. don’t make things hard for yourself.”
well blow me, santa monica, i hope the man knows what he’s saying because it feels so refreshing to hear something like that. ever. since first year, i’ve met a lot of doctors whose approach to students were just flawed and negative and i hated them for it. kidding or not, no sane professional should ever joke about failing or being stupid. none of them should have gained any right (even over the 30 years of teaching and practice, so they say) to brag, insult or flip anyone off.
and no, i’m not even just screwing with anyone’s head. as awful as it sounds, many doctors in my school just aren’t doctors to me. i’m a fucking grown-up; i think i can sort, judging from a person’s general character and how he/she holds himself in front of a crowd, the bad apples from the bunch. forgive me, but in my book, being a doctor is so much more than just getting through med school; that’s bullshit. bernardino said it himself, medicine isn’t hard, so pretty much anyone can do it in their sleep. but being a good doctor is a whole different “Jones” criteria scoring or T cancer staging or any other more tedious scale assessment.
i’m not saying i’ve had it all figured out myself, and no, i haven’t enumerated the characteristics of the ideal doctor, but i do have a distinct pattern in mind, and doesn’t include arrogant, sadistic and proud pricks; you can go fuck yourselves.
i think i hit a wall here. i’ve been tossing and turning the entire weekend and i haven’t done anything productive. what am i doing? these are supposedly the times when i’m super pumped up to study and finish a lot of reading. seriously, i want to strangle myself.
later on today, i realized what i’ve been so irritated about.
when you’re in medschool, you sacrifice so much in the process- time, effort, happiness, more time. time that you could have spent doing the things that will make you happy now. i fear that it’s a bad thing when my heart is torn between this dream of being a doctor and this other dream of being something of a local, wandering hippie.
my mind is often distracted with the million dreams my heart has, that sadly, only my imaginary time and money can make way for. i always, always have to pull myself back to what i was reading if only to rebuild the focus that took tons and tons of music playlists to set.
on the other hand, i’m waiting for that moment when i finally get to meet people, people who need my help, patients whom i dreamt of saving, by killing myself in medschool. maybe when i get to talk to them soon, i wouldn’t need so much effort and so much time to get some focus and dedication. maybe all i would need is to look at them and look at their pain; hopefully by then, i have learned most that i needed to make them feel better.
the world is not terrible.
i was all ears. this man had me under his spell. and he was talking about colon tumors and hemorrhoids. nevermind that i have a pedia exam in the next three hours, i was too taken aback by the fact that it was possible to have a nice, exhilarating lecture where i study. of course there are brilliant doctors here and there (like two), but not a lot can win battles with my self-proclaimed ADHD. so congratulations. i can’t believe everyone else was pretending to listen while their eyes were all peeled to the pedia handouts. i was taking notes, on the other hand. duuudes, this is like the first time in so long that someone actually showed up in surgery lecture to actually talk for three hours in full cool mode.
ah well, it was fun while it lasted. sadly, and not surprisingly, the topic was too long for just one class. if i listened another hour my arm would have broken off from too much writing and my brain would have been so saturated. the problem is, no one knows how to break this stuff to proper pieces so people like me can have time to breathe and take in the lessons, nooo. FEU insists that we break our backs and let our brain cells overheat; nobody gives a fuck about the student.
take pedia for example. that exam was a disaster. the topic was supposedly a relatively manageable one, but since the student is the least of their concerns, the poorly-constructed questions were just so fucking confusing, i didn’t know how to answer properly. hindi man lang pinag-isipan. either that exam was made in a hurry or god forbid, made by a moron. unfortunately, whichever one it is or isn’t, would not have made much difference; i interpreted those questions wrongly and it’s done. there’s a huge difference between a difficult level exam and an inconsiderate and unreasonably hard exam.
then again, baka naman pinag-isipan niya, moron lang siya.
My heart is filled with dreams that sadly, only my imaginary free time can fulfill.
Pedia. Wednesdays (7am- 11am)